Happy Halloween everybody! I just finished up everyone’s favourite Halloween ritual. Separating all the gross candy I’m going to give to the kids from the stuff I’m going to gorge on for the next 3 days. Sorry kids… those peanut butter cups are staying right here at casa DeBron. Enjoy that Eat-More, though. It’s like poop from a guy on an all molasses and peanut diet.
The big occasion around here this week isn’t Halloween though. It’s my daughter Lindsay’s first birthday on Saturday. We’ve got quite the party planned for the half hour between cake and when all the dudes gravitate toward the Canucks and Leafs game.
Now, I love my daughter. She’s perfect in every way but in all fairness she’s only a year old. There’s plenty of time for her to disappoint me. Here now: The top 6 things I don’t want my daughter to be when she grows up:
I’ll get the easy one out of the way first. It’s a great paradox: the world needs more strippers, but nobody wants their little girl being used to trick dudes into buying an 11 dollar Coors Light at the Spearmint Rhino. Fortunately, I have a foolproof plan if she ever gets into this as a vocation. I’ll sit in the front row and let everyone know I’m her dad and how proud of her I am. If that doesn’t work, I’ll bring out the big guns: “Hey guys, one time she crapped her pants in the car so badly we had to stop and hose her off at a gas station”. That stripper career will last a week at best.
5. Someone who microwaves fish at work
Microwaving fish at work is gross, but I’m not sure what’s worse: That or popcorn. In the history of mankind, no one has ever perfectly timed their popcorn so that the whole building doesn’t smell like Orville Redenbacher setting a trash fire. It’s even worse when you walk into a room where popcorn doesn’t belong and it smells like that. The other day I was in the hospital (it’s ok; I’m fine. They make an amazing BLT) and the ER receptionist is chowing down on a big bowl of charred popcorn. Inappropriate.
4. Crazy Cat Lady
Look I’ve said it many times and I think my hatred of cats makes an appearance in EVERY top 6 list. But one cat I can kind of understand. But 34 cats in a studio apartment knee deep in turds, hair and kitty litter? A GUARANTEE NO GRANDKIDS ARE ON THE WAY. Your pet says a lot about you and here now, back by popular demand: ANOTHER TOP 6 WITHIN A TOP 6. Top 6 pets that say you’re a weirdo and should be avoided:
Parrots that go places perched on your shoulder
Vietnamese potbellied pigs
3. Mrs. Cam Mitchell
Cam’s been making some pretty gross jokes about my daughter ever since the ultrasound said our baby had indoor plumbing. It’s even weirder now that he has a girlfriend and STILL makes jokes about how he’s going to date my daughter in 17 years. Now, I doubt Lindsay would have any interest in a 48 year old sandwich artist, but just in case: I have a good plan in place. Non stop talk about what a great guy Cam is and how happy I am she’s dating him. Reverse Psychology. It can’t fail against a teenage girl.
I love to barbecue. I don’t like to eat anything that didn’t have a face. AND THERE’S NO BIGGER BACKYARD BARBECUE BUZZKILL than the person that wants their organic edamame and kelp patty to hit the grill before the meat and after you thoroughly scour any previous animal parts off the grill.
1. Female bodybuilder
Actually, I’d be fine with that as long as I don’t have to spot her.