Rob The Hockey Guy

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DeBron’s Top 6: Top 6 songs that make white people go bananas!

DEBRON

Before I start with this week’s top 6: A question. Why can’t old people understand the concept of call display? My Mother in Law just called. I like to call her the MILILF. (seriously, it doesn’t need an explanation, but here:

Anyway, she called my wife’s phone, the call display said “mom!” so I picked it up.

Me: Hey Sharon. How are ya?

Her: Hello?

Me: Yeah, Hi Sharon, it’s Paul. Ange is upstairs. I grabbed her phone. What’s up?

Her: Paul?

Me: Yeah. Ange is upstairs. Hang on.

Her: Somebody just called me. Was it Angela?

Seriously old people. Call display has been around for what? Like 20 years? My parents don’t get it either. Whenever I answer their phone calls by name there’s a HUGE PAUSE like I’m the first person in the history of the world to know who’s calling and answer the phone with anything other than “hello?’  Even when I call THEM, they answer with “hello?” leaving me to have to say “Hey, it’s Paul” LIKE ANYBODY ELSE EVER CALLS THEM.

Anyway. Another Top 6 that I always wanted to do on the air, but didn’t because of the risk of some guy misconstruing poking fun at ourselves as racism. It’s not. White people have a long track record of going bananas and packing suburban dance floors for iffy pieces of music. With my current #funemployed state, I’ve been working with the good folks at Time Life Music to compile a box set, but for right now:

Top 6 songs that make white people go bananas:

6. Ice Ice Baby

vanilla_ice

Admit it. If you’re in a bar or restaurant and you hear that bass line, you’re incredibly disappointed if the next voice you hear belongs to Freddie Mercury and not Rob Van Winkle.  Back in 1990 this was the only song that could get me to take 2 live crew out of my bright yellow Sony Walkman. I had to look up the lyrics to O Canada the other day, but until the day I die, GUARANTEED I know every word to this.

5. Friends in Low Places

Garth Brooks is one of the top selling artists of all time. Know any of his other songs? NOPE. Ever been hammered and taken part in a raucous singalong of this one? YOU BET.

4. Summer of ’69

I was walking out of the grocery store the other day just in time to hear this classic start on the speakers they use to keep kids from loitering when it occurred to me that they might be preventing KIDS from hanging out in front of the store, but they’re going to have fat old white guys like me rocking out in front of the place. For whatever reason, nobody will admit they like Bryan Adams, but if this one comes on while you’re all alone, you guessed it: YOURE GOING BANANAS.

3. Don’t Stop Believing

I don’t even have to write anything. You’re probably wondering why it isn’t number one. And you know why? Because EVERYONE regardless of age, sex or race LOVES this song. It used to make white people go bananas, but its use in about 27 soundtracks the final episode of the Sopranos and EVERY sporting event in the last 10 years have made it a song that makes EVERYBODY GO BANANAS. Because I’m a closet furrie, here’s my favourite version:

2. Sweet Caroline

Man, what a piece of crap. I hate this song. Remember how I used to play songs to irritate Botch? If the roles were reversed, this is what HE’D play to bug ME. I won tickets to see Neil Diamond a few years ago. This guy should get an Oscar for being able to act excited about singing it for the 12, 184th time. Best supporting actor? THE PACKED HOUSE AT GM PLACE GOING BANANAS FOR A 40 year old song. Yes, I know he donated all his itunes royalties from it to victims of the Boston Marathon bombing. At least some good came of it. Good on you Neil.

1. The Chicken Dance

I don’t know where you’re reading this. At work? At home? On your smartphone on the toilet? Chances are you’re thinking “I hate the chicken dance. Who likes the fuckin’ chicken dance?” Women, old people and little kids at weddings. A full 75 % of the population. And you know as soon as you’ve had 11 beers at an open bar you’ll be shamed into going bananas with the rest of them.

Fill the comments section! Or hit me on Twitter @MiltSeagull. Whatever.

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