Every Friday on RobTheHockeyGuy we welcome back Vancouver’s most beloved former Team 1040 on-air radio personality Paul DeBron to share his Top 6 list. Follow DeBron on Twitter at @MiltSeagull.
Welcome back to another thrilling edition of the Top 6. Sorry there wasn’t one last week (or sorry it’s back THIS week). As most of you heard I moved overseas. Nanaimo! Our movers sucked. Here’s a half ass Top 6 BEFORE the Top 6. Top 6 ways our movers sucked:
- They were an hour late getting to our place
- They asked my wife (smaller side of average size) to help load the truck to save time and money
- Even though time was a factor, they both had enough of it to take leisurely dumps. Like 20 minutes. Like A WHOLE ROLL OF TOILET PAPER BETWEEN TWO GUYS. Look, when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. I get that. But even I don’t sit there til my feet fall asleep EVERY time I go.
- They missed TWO ferries. The one they SAID they’d be on AND the one after that.
- They asked ME to unload so they could make the last ferry OFF the island. I’m not kidding: I unloaded at least TWICE what these kitten weak slowpokes did.
- You guessed it: They broke a LOT of our stuff.
Anyway, by the time they got here, I’d been sucking down Lucky Lager (they sell more on the island than the rest of Canada combined. Gotta blend in!) on a hardwood floor for four hours. I was in a really really good mood. And I couldn’t get the Top 6 in on time and I’m sorry, cause it was a really good one. It was one me and Chapman always wanted to do on air, but it was a little risqué. NOT A PROBLEM ANYMORE. Not as long as I’m funemployed anyway.
Top 6 places to fart!
Yep. I went there. As most of you know, I’m a bit of a fartist. Three hundred grams of protein a day will do that to you. I LOVE the fart game.
6. An escalator
Now, I know, a lot of you are thinking the elevator’s a better choice and that the escalator is only good for standing at the bottom waiting for girls in short skirts to head up to the second floor. Wrong. Much like the elevator, the escalator holds your victims captive as they travel through the funk. Unlike the escalator, you have a fair degree of anonymity. If you like the drive by, but not the responsibility: this is a good place.
5. The shower
It’s true: everyone loves their own brand.
THIS is the one place where the sound is funnier than the stink. For starters, there’s no worries about a shart. Even if you do have a protein surplus, you’re not gonna ruin your underwear. And the echo factor is great.
4. The car
I’m pretty sure this is in everyone’s personal Top 6. A closed space with everyone in close quarters and the ability to lock the windows up and trap people. The real key here is not to start laughing before the smell hits people. You can make it even better by pretending to be cold and cranking the heat when you feel a good one coming on.
3. Bar dance floor
I hate dancing. Every guy does. Luckily, I’m married and I’ll never have to dance again. Y’know, like single Paul ever danced. But do you know what’s awesome? Standing in the middle of a crowded dance floor like the Roxy or the Commodore, pretending you’re watching the band and crop dusting the place. It’s too loud for anyone to hear you and too crowded for anybody to get out of the way. The best part about this one is that you know you’ve ruined all the hard work some guy’s put into working on a chick when she thinks that smell came out of HIM.
2. Grocery store
There’s so many people walking around and passing you that it’s nearly impossible to figure out who the mastermind that made the produce section smell like a sulfur mine was. Nearly. Confession time: this is where it once went HORRIBLY wrong for me. I had just worked out, my protein shake wasn’t sitting right and I was in the Safeway picking up a few things. I knew I had a dirty bomb that would make Al Qaeda proud in my colon, but I couldn’t find anyone to unleash it on. Finally, I saw a group of people in the cereal aisle. I timed it perfectly. Let it out, counted to five and walked past them. I was about 20 feet past them when I heard a mixture of “oh my god!” and “what is that?!” and screaming behind me. I lost it. I laughed out loud. It was painfully obvious who did it.
1. In bed
Yep. The Dutch oven. The nuclear weapon of flatulence. Anyone who’s ever shared a bed with a woman knows this is the granddaddy of them all. A chance to put all that work in the gym to good use. At one point while I was taking a lot of ‘vitamins’ I outweighed my wife by almost 120 lbs. If I held her under the covers, there was NO WAY she was getting away. This is also the only time I’ve seen her genuinely ANGRY. Like 1980s Mark Messier being high sticked by a European angry. I tried this exactly ONCE. She let it be known in no uncertain terms there wouldn’t be a Mrs. DeBron if it happened again. I believe her.