Rob The Hockey Guy

Okay, so yesterday, Rob did a post about the NHL’s new Guardians project. First off, who the f’k reads comics anymore? I mean, I get that there are still plenty of longtime diehard fans of comics and graphic novels. But the goal of this partnership with Stan Lee is to attract young fans. Young fans don’t give a shit about comics! It’s only us old folks who’re nostalgic and loving every comic-to-movie-dream-come-true. But I digress. I appreciate the effort. Just saying this woulda been way more f’n awesome if this happened 20 years ago in the hey dey of Hulk Hogan and the Macho Man.

Anyways, let’s review what we have so far…

This f’n sucks. If I have to explain to you why, you probably suck too.

This Cyclops-wannabe on ice just doesn’t do it for me. And why’s he the only animal-named superhero who’s humanoid?

Kinda badass but if he’s gonna be playing around in the hurricanes and storms, why the f’k is his hair all floppy and hanging out? Get rid of that lock of hair and we’re good.

He controls the element of wind? Then why does he look like a ripoff Iron Man with helicopter wings? Oh, I get it. Like the military helicopter that goes by and makes things windy. Wtf.. Nice play on words Stan Lee.

I had to google this shit. Apparently Buffalo’s got hydropower plants. And a sabre is a weird looking sword. This dude manipulates water in all its forms. From liquid, to solid, to gaseous, to f’n badass sword. Oh wait, that’s also a solid. Stfu.

Dunno why but I kinda like this. The granite chin feels extraneous though.

A clear Juggernaut ripoff, bitches. Controls wintery weathery patterns and oily manipulation. Who the f’k wrote that? Wtf does that even mean?

Someone’s gotta explain this to me but why’s he a devil horse? And if all things are matter (other than thoughts), then his power’s pretty f’n awesome isn’t it?

Not bad. And can incinerate celestials.

I actually like this one. First, you guys got Stamkos and now a decent Guardian. Lucky bastards.

Titanium Music City Super Cat! Samurai Pizza Cats! Thundercats! lolcats!

Don’t see his f’n powerboat so why’s he on skis instead of a surfboard? And where’s his frickin’ laser beam? Oh well.. at least he controls a frickin’ army of sharks! Wait.. wtf’s a software empath?

This one makes enough sense. Works for me.

He seems as harmless as the Sedins. I guess that makes sense then.

Iron Man meets Cobra Commander. These are getting better.

Not sure why but I really like this. I hope they just reveal him to be Ovechkin by day.

Wtf? Why’s he peddling wheels? Shouldn’t he have attached motorized wheels? F’n inefficient Detroit craftsmanship.

I’m guessing he’s a dead Union soldier brought back to life and melded with a gazillion guns. Cooool.

Holy f’k! He controls fire! Shoots flaming eye blasts! Lava balls from his hands! Creates flaming stampedes! Solves fiery math problems! Hot sperm! Yoga flame! Yoga fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Did I mention fire?!#@$
Actually, this one’s pretty good but f’k you Flames!

On first glance, I’m thinking they gotta stop using the word “celestial.” But on 2nd glance, Minnesota North Stars -> Dallas Stars -> celestial incinerators -> celestial enforcer. Coincidence? Doubt it. Mind blown. You’re welcome.

Captain Planet’s ambiguously cool partner.

Hahaha a f’n tree! Shitty superhero for an even shittier team. Redeemed only by the Ninja Turtle’ish eye mask.

There was no other way to go with this so can’t hate too much. But who wrote this shit?! “Soul of an inspirational leader!” lol wtf. If Ottawa is about anything, it is sure as hell not about inspirational leaders!

One of the better ones to be sure but what about this screams fun loving? lol Again, who the f’k wrote this shit?

Anyhow… Keep coming back because I’ll be updating until all 30 Guardians are revealed.